Telling porkies
YES, as we said, the swine flu gags are very contagious. After Scottish
Health Secretary Nicola Sturgeon went on air to say there were two
confirmed cases in Scotland, a BBC staff member put out an internal
briefing on the latest news.
It read: "Nicola Sturgeon announced a new virulent strain of flu has
been detected. It leaves its victims unable to get out of bed, they
lose the power of speech and are able to only mutter low moans.
However, it's not swine flu, as feared, but the far more miserable man
flu. Luckily 50% of the population are immune. However, they will be
pressed into service as bringers of tea and sympathy."
We understand that senior execs got quite excited reading the memo until they got nearer the end.
l Latest news from Monklands hospital, where the couple with swine
flu were told that they were being put on a special diet of pizza and
pancakes.
"Will that help us get better?" they asked.
"No," said staff, "but it's the only food we can slide under the door."
l And thank you, I think, to the reader who asked: "Did you hear about the pig with swine flu?" He then added: "It was cured."
Sigh.
Not biting
A READER attending a Weight Watchers club was praising an elderly woman
who had lost the most weight that week. When fellow slimmers asked her
how she managed it, she told them: "It's simple. Ah just take ma teeth
oot every night at six."
Star quality
"DID you see that Gordon Ramsay was getting criticised in a newspaper
for some of his food at his posh restaurants being prepared elsewhere,
then delivered by van?" asked the chap at the golf club bar the other
day. "He quickly reassured diners that the van had four Michelin tyres."
Open armed welcome
READER Joe McCarthy flew back from Majorca to Prestwick this week where
he was surprised to see bullet-proof-jacketed police officers armed
with sub-machine-guns in the arrivals hall.
Not realising this was just a random occurrence, Joe asked one of the officers if there was a terrorist attack imminent.
"No," he told them, before adding: "Welcome to Ayrshire."
Kicked when they're down
IT'S not just Old Firm fans who carry deep-seated grudges.
A Dumbarton fan posted on the club's website saying it was good news
that local rivals Clydebank, once a fellow senior club, had reached the
Junior Cup final.
But a fellow Dumbarton fan merely added: "Aye. They play Junior football and are homeless. Can life get any better?"
Cash incentive
WE overhear a woman having coffee with her friend announce: "My ex-husband wants to marry me again."
"That's very flattering," said her pal.
"Not really," replied the woman. "I think he's just after the money I married him for."
Friendly reply
AND do we believe the reader who says he
was trying to find a place to park at a busy supermarket when he noticed a couple
walking towards their car.
"Going out?" he called over to them.
"No, just friends," the chap replied.
For whom the bells Tull
IAN Anderson, lead singer of veteran rock band Jethro Tull, pictured,
is well known for striking a pose on stage, playing his flute while
balanced on one leg.
Interviewed on breakfast television yesterday about a charity
concert, the interviewer asked: "Is there any chance you might be
playing the flute standing on your head tonight?"
After an embarrassing pause, flautist Ian calmly replied: "I
think you probably
mean standing on
one leg."
Reader John
Munro tells us:
"I suspect the
presenter was
not a massive Jethro Tull fan.
12:17am today
By KEN SMITH
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